Saturday, November 29, 2008

Please Excuse my Excuses and Have a Nice Day

There are reasons why I haven't made any blog postings in awhile and here they are:

  • I spent an awful lot of time trying to follow my shadow to see where it goes when the lights are shut off. Bit of a mystery really. I still haven't figured it out.
  • I attempted to create a new Guinness Book Word Record by making the loudest silence in the world. Much to my dismay, I've found that it is quite impossible as all reality is made up of frequencies which have a sound if you can hear them.
  • A paroxysm of unidentified frustration came over me and led to a very regretful incident in which I tried to fight a tidal wave of philosophy with my fists. As I'm sure you can imagine, I soon found myself washed up on the Shores of Uncertainty. Stranded, I meditated on where ideas come from; until I was saved by a mysterious multidimensional rare occult potentiality rescue unit.
  • I successfully found the answer to the age old question of "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" which is that both the chicken and the egg came at the same time. And by the way, so did the bass and the bass player. However, the drum and the drummer did not come at the same time which explains why drummers often spontaneously combust.
  • A very serious error in judgment made me a fugitive of the divine. Using the Holy Grail as a beer mug and then throwing it away because I was too lazy to wash it is definitely on my 'not-to-do-again list.' My apologies to all those that had to suffer an eternal interrogation from the Heavenly Host; and mega-thanks for not giving my ultra-secret location away even though you never knew it.
  • And lastly, while surfing cyberspace, I 'fell' into an introspective coma and was stuck floating through zeros and ones rethinking my life mission for several weeks until an urgent message regarding the resurgence of open jams in an area of the mundane world where I often live, suspiciously found its way into the waiting room of my primary brain center and enthusiastically started a cranial fire which, upon waking, I almost reported to the proper anthropomorphic authorities as cranial arson. This was before I realized what the message meant: That I had to get the hell out of cyberspace and start practicing my ass off.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Key to Happiness

In my search for the Missing Chapter of Humanity I have discovered many things and one of them is that The Key to Happiness is perplexingly absent. If it wasn’t, people would know where to find it. But they don’t, therefore it is relatively safe to say that it is has been obscured. Now I realize there are some who have presented the argument that it has just been misplaced, but the following will explain why I believe otherwise.

You see, my extraordinarily hyper-aware gut instinct long ago became accustomed to communicating with my brain by way of Morse code contractions in my heart. And it just so happens that it was through a recent one of these communications
that I explained to myself that there is almost certainly a conspiracy involved. And so, after my cerebellum decoded the cardiac code into hieroglyphs and then to English and then back to hieroglyphs (for reasons best left unsaid at the moment), I have come to reveal the following possibilities.

Firstly, it could have been stolen by a fabled manic-depressive and thrown into an ocean of despair with little to no chance of recovery. Don’t point your fingers at me. Notice I said “fabled manic-depressive” and not “Ace Warloch” or “self-aware pseudonym” or “master of uncertain arts” or “rare occult potentiality.”

However, of all the possibilities (and I’m skipping over a lot), the most likely scenario is the one that theorizes that the Secret World Government (SWG) somehow acquired the Key to Happiness through some type of conspiracy, marked it “obsolete,” and quietly secured it in a voluminous vault before anyone could think of anything else to do with it.

And that leaves us with... well, sadness and depression that is all the government’s fault.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Speedwriting Wipeout

Recently I had the goal of becoming the worlds’ fastest speedwriter; and I did in fact accomplish this goal and write the fastest words ever written. Indeed, these sentenced words were so fast they couldn’t be read.

In fact, not long after they were written they were found in a ditch, dehydrated and mostly dead. Their letters scrambled by the scorching heat, their punctuation winded and no longer able to punctuate; and the capitals - appallingly decapitalized.

Then, to make matters worse, the grammar, though tangled up and mentally out of sorts, apparently was coherent enough to point out my involvement to deputies from the Department of Corrected Corrections. Also unfortunate for me was that quite a few exclamatory exclamation points were more than happy to direct all the blame in my direction.

I was then ticketed for writing under the influence of myself and ordered to go to writer's rehab.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What I've Been Up To

As regular readers of this blog know, I’ve been periodically absent for extended periods recently. Well, I’ve been up to a lot of things and down to even more. Most recently, I’ve been making an extreme effort to imagine just how much space existence uses to exist. Before that I rewrote the books of magic in a language I’ve never known (and almost certainly never will), while simultaneously managing to reinvent the wheel exactly as it was originally created. Then of course I spent awhile in suspended animation floating in the Antarctic Ocean until I was thawed out by an orca family that adopted me as pet and took me on a swimming adventure that included hunting sea lions. I also had to lug this required adventure blog through the confusing caverns of cyberspace to the location it is at now. So as you can see, I’ve been extremely busy with very important semi-secretive stuff and getting way too close to nature type things. And that is why there hasn’t been a posting in awhile.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Frozen Dinner

What happened? Why was I gone so long? And where did I go? I am so grateful to know that you never asked these questions. It shows how much you care.

Well, for your information, I was in The Antarctic helping southern rockhopper penguins remember how to fly, as opposed to just jumping over rocks, when I slipped and fell into the frozen depths of the World Ocean a.k.a. the Southern Ocean. I froze instantly; mostly because it just seemed to be the right thing to do. And I stayed this way for three months until a family of killer whales found me floating around. They thawed me out by pushing my frozen carcass to warmer waters and then licking my face profusely. I thawt I was being prepared for dinner, and for all I know I might have been. However, the baby of this particular orca family took an instant liking to me and talked her parents into keeping me as a pet.

All in all I ended up swimming thousands of miles with the Molby family over the last three months and we became very close. However, I got entangled in a fishing net somewhere off the coast of Alaska. And thankfully so, cause this is when I remembered that I still needed to breathe.

Strange it is, that you don’t need something until you remember that you need it. But that is how it is, who are we to argue with the side-effects of a reality based existence?