Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Secret Mission

I'm on a secret mission of utmost confidentiality and I am therefore unable to brag about my latest exploit other than to say that I am currently dragging what will soon be a future investigation down a narrow alleyway.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

It's Really Ectoplasmic Snot

Fanatically powered by the mysterious life giving light of the Moon, I enthusiastically surf the thunder of the night riding the waves of time throughout various altered states of existence, of which there is only one, which actually contains many, that really are one, which of course has been chopped up and crammed into various segments of the chronosphere where existence as we know it is then colored with various abstract sound-effects and philosophized about by Casper wannabe’s.

It sounds confusing but it’s really ectoplasmic snot. Don’t ask me to explain. As a rare occult potentiality and seasoned night surfer I intuitively understand all aspects of the metaphysical at a subconscious level but I never choose to introspect any thoughts regarding these matters, even for myself.

Instead, I prefer to wildly surf down the low end of nature’s subwoofers gleefully anticipating the thrill of catching a fast ride on a friendly bolt of lightning. Now, to say this is a very dangerous thing to do is the epic understatement of epic understatements because even friendly bolts of lightning can kill as quickly and easily as they can transform or transport. And that is why riding the lightning is so very thrilling; because you can end up electrifried on a mystic mountaintop.

However, you should know that it is possible to lessen the danger by attuning the frequency of your thought patterns so your brain waves are properly aligned with the particular lightning bolt you desire to ride at the precise moment of contact. Basically, you become one with the lightning. That’s all there is to it.

May thunder and lightning be your friends.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Problematic Problems

Lately, the mental entanglements within my mind have seriously taken their toll on my bargain-priced emotional reactor. My self-awareness is down 15.8 percent from last month and I’ve been steadily losing arguments with myself for about three days now.

It could be that the primal forces of the universe have undergone extra-normal transmutations of an unexplicable nature and that is the cause of my distress. Or it may be possible that my extreme personal problems are a result of moving through the time stream in the opposite direction from everybody else.

Despite the overwhelming probability of either of the aforementioned theories of the origins of my problematic problems, my urinary tract continues to disagree and suspects that the “Genuine Bottled Water from Noah’s Flood” I drank a few days ago is the true cause of my current descent into emotional confusionism.

The bottle claimed it was “purified by reverse-prayermosis” and that it would “not expire in this lifetime.” The FDA have never heard either of these claims before. I believe I’ve been conned. Oh, the cruel price for naivety.

Until next week (if there is one). Peace.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Ill Informed

I have just been informed that the earth’s magnetic pole is on the move. Therfore I have begun to formulate a plan to chase it down and find out where it might be going and why. I hope to convince it to come back without a fight. Wish me luck.