Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Hanging Upside Down

Thinking there may be a sacred occult path leading to the Missing Chapter of Humanity, I hung myself upside down from Yggdrasil, the World Tree; just as Odin did when he 'discovered' the runes, and probably as Manowar did before they started recording their last masterpiece Gods of War. However, I neglected to wound myself as Odin did figuring the uncomfortableness of hanging upside down was sacrifice enough. Nevertheless, once I was in place, I began my epic gaze into the Nine Worlds.

Well, the Nine Worlds gazed back. Days passed. Nights passed. I ate nothing. I drank nothing. I felt nothing. Probably because I had fallen asleep. However, thanks to a rascally mean and very insulting little myth of a squirrel who goes by the name Ratatoskr I woke in time to see some sort of symbological pseudojabberwocky, written just for me, reflecting off the elysian waters of Mimir's Well.

I wrote the message down in shorthand on the back of my hand while I was still there, however, to make it easier for the entire world to understand I’ve translated it into modern International Morse Code. Now everyone can share what I’ve learned and hopefully live more enlightened lives; though I confess I'm not quite sure what it means and I'm a bit upset they never mentioned the Missing Chapter of Humanity.

-.--.-. -..... -..--. ---- .-.......-.-. ---- -..... .-...-.-..-.-.. ...----..-.-..... .-... -.....-.-- .--.-...-. -........-. ...---..--.-..... ..-. -........-. .--....-.---.-......--....-....-.-. .--.--.--.-.-.- -.....-.-- .-.-.. -.-..-.-...-....-.--. ---- -.-----..- ....--.--..-.--. ..- ..... -.....-..-. ------- .-...--. ---- -.-..--... ..-. -.-----..-.-. .-.--.-.-..-........ ---..-. .-...-.-....--.-- ..-.---.-. .- .-...-.-....--.-- -----.-.. ..-..--.-.-...-.-- -....-....-...-.-.- ...--- ....--...--.-... -..... ...------.-..-.--. .--...-.--...... ---..-. ......-...-.- ....--...-.-..........-.-.- -.---.-- --.--- .-......--.. .--.-.. ..-....-.. .--.--.---.--..-..-.. .--..-.... -..... .--.---.--..-. ---- ..-....-.. ....-.-. -----.-.. -.-.----...-...-....-.. .--...---..-- -.-----..-.-......-....-. .--.-.. -.-----..-.-. .--..-...--.-.. ..-. -......... .-----.-..-..-.. ---..-. -.-.----...-...-....-.. -.-.----...-...-.....----..-.-.-

Or you can listen. I sped up the playback so you can decipher it faster.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Reintroduction of Sorts

Once again it has been awhile since any posts were posted (I trust none of you cared enough to report this to her Celestial Bureaucracy.). However, like always, I have a really good excuse.

This time, the lapse of blogging activity is due to a visit I paid to the Funny Farm. And believe me, this wasn’t just A funny farm, this was THE Funny Farm, an anthropomorphic representation of all community mental health centers but I’ll tell you about that some other time. As for right now, since I’ve been gone so long, I feel it necessary to reintroduce myself.

I am Ace Herostratus Warloch. Some people call me “the master of uncertain arts.” Other even more clueless people call me “the world’s first self-aware pseudonym.” However, I like to think of myself as just another rare occult potentiality.

Now you might ask how I came to be and what the hell (or “heck” if you prefer) happened to the original consciousness of this body I’m piloting, if in fact, it ever had one? Well, in all honesty, I’m not really sure. Though I suspect the person who thinks he invented me is still inside somewhere and I suspect even more that he may be the result of my occasional blackouts, perpetual confusion and persistent feelings of frustration.

That said, let’s discuss what I am doing here. From what I intuitively understand (and what I intuitively understand is entirely debatable even unto myself), I am here to help unfoul the Time/Space Continuum by whatever means necessary. Yes, as hard as it may be to fathom, humanity has polluted all aspects of existence, including every version of the afterlife. I have been assigned the Time/Space continuum.

I've also, been hired by an ancient mystical institution to find the Missing Chapter of Humanity.

Now, I’m not sure how this all fits together if it even does, or what it all means. I only know what I need to do, only I’m not quite sure how to go about it.

And that’s where you come in. With your feedback I may be able to decipher my own intuition, find the Missing Chapter of Humanity, unpollute the Time/Space Continuum and save the girl.

What girl? And what does she need to be saved from you ask? Well, from what I’ve been told, there’s always a damsel in distress in these types of situations; so we will just assume there is one and make an effort to try and find her; and save her too of course. In the odd case that there isn’t a damsel in distress, I’ll just save some random babe from whatever may be threatening her - from a bad hair day to the tempation of eating an entire gallon of revenge flavored ice cream; or whatever. Hopefully, I’ll get to swing from a chandelier, find myself engaged in elaborate lightsaber battles and possibly even get to shoot a metaphorical personification of political correctness right in the bahookie.

To sum things up: I’m back. Now where’d my Ankhtion go?

By the way, I’m on Facebook.