Saturday, November 29, 2008

Please Excuse my Excuses and Have a Nice Day

There are reasons why I haven't made any blog postings in awhile and here they are:

  • I spent an awful lot of time trying to follow my shadow to see where it goes when the lights are shut off. Bit of a mystery really. I still haven't figured it out.
  • I attempted to create a new Guinness Book Word Record by making the loudest silence in the world. Much to my dismay, I've found that it is quite impossible as all reality is made up of frequencies which have a sound if you can hear them.
  • A paroxysm of unidentified frustration came over me and led to a very regretful incident in which I tried to fight a tidal wave of philosophy with my fists. As I'm sure you can imagine, I soon found myself washed up on the Shores of Uncertainty. Stranded, I meditated on where ideas come from; until I was saved by a mysterious multidimensional rare occult potentiality rescue unit.
  • I successfully found the answer to the age old question of "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" which is that both the chicken and the egg came at the same time. And by the way, so did the bass and the bass player. However, the drum and the drummer did not come at the same time which explains why drummers often spontaneously combust.
  • A very serious error in judgment made me a fugitive of the divine. Using the Holy Grail as a beer mug and then throwing it away because I was too lazy to wash it is definitely on my 'not-to-do-again list.' My apologies to all those that had to suffer an eternal interrogation from the Heavenly Host; and mega-thanks for not giving my ultra-secret location away even though you never knew it.
  • And lastly, while surfing cyberspace, I 'fell' into an introspective coma and was stuck floating through zeros and ones rethinking my life mission for several weeks until an urgent message regarding the resurgence of open jams in an area of the mundane world where I often live, suspiciously found its way into the waiting room of my primary brain center and enthusiastically started a cranial fire which, upon waking, I almost reported to the proper anthropomorphic authorities as cranial arson. This was before I realized what the message meant: That I had to get the hell out of cyberspace and start practicing my ass off.