Hanging Upside Down

Thinking there may be a sacred occult path leading to the Missing Chapter of Humanity, I hung myself upside down from Yggdrasil, the World Tree; just as Odin did when he 'discovered' the runes, and probably as Manowar did before they started recording their last masterpiece Gods of War. However, I neglected to wound myself as Odin did figuring the uncomfortableness of hanging upside down was sacrifice enough. Nevertheless, once I was in place, I began my epic gaze into the Nine Worlds.

Well, the Nine Worlds gazed back. Days passed. Nights passed. I ate nothing. I drank nothing. I felt nothing. Probably because I had fallen asleep. However, thanks to a rascally mean and very insulting little myth of a squirrel who goes by the name Ratatoskr I woke in time to see some sort of symbological pseudojabberwocky, written just for me, reflecting off the elysian waters of Mimir's Well.


I wrote the message down in shorthand on the back of my hand while I was still there, however, to make it easier for the entire world to understand I’ve translated it into modern International Morse Code. Now everyone can share what I’ve learned and hopefully live more enlightened lives; though I confess I'm not quite sure what it means and I'm a bit upset they never mentioned the Missing Chapter of Humanity.

-.--.-. -..... -..--. ---- .-.......-.-. ---- -..... .-...-.-..-.-.. ...----..-.-..... .-... -.....-.-- .--.-...-. -........-. ...---..--.-..... ..-. -........-. .--....-.---.-......--....-....-.-. .--.--.--.-.-.- -.....-.-- .-.-.. -.-..-.-...-....-.--. ---- -.-----..- ....--.--..-.--. ..- ..... -.....-..-. ------- .-...--. ---- -.-..--... ..-. -.-----..-.-. .-.--.-.-..-........ ---..-. .-...-.-....--.-- ..-.---.-. .- .-...-.-....--.-- -----.-.. ..-..--.-.-...-.-- -....-....-...-.-.- ...--- ....--...--.-... -..... ...------.-..-.--. .--...-.--...... ---..-. ......-...-.- ....--...-.-..........-.-.- -.---.-- --.--- .-......--.. .--.-.. ..-....-.. .--.--.---.--..-..-.. .--..-.... -..... .--.---.--..-. ---- ..-....-.. ....-.-. -----.-.. -.-.----...-...-....-.. .--...---..-- -.-----..-.-......-....-. .--.-.. -.-----..-.-. .--..-...--.-.. ..-. -......... .-----.-..-..-.. ---..-. -.-.----...-...-....-.. -.-.----...-...-.....----..-.-.-

Or you can listen. I sped up the playback so you can decipher it faster.

MorseCodedmessage.mp3

A Reintroduction of Sorts

Once again it has been awhile since any posts were posted (I trust none of you cared enough to report this to her Celestial Bureaucracy.). However, like always, I have a really good excuse.

This time, the lapse of blogging activity is due to a visit I paid to the Funny Farm. And believe me, this wasn’t just A funny farm, this was THE Funny Farm, an anthropomorphic representation of all community mental health centers but I’ll tell you about that some other time. As for right now, since I’ve been gone so long, I feel it necessary to reintroduce myself.

I am Ace Herostratus Warloch. Some people call me “the master of uncertain arts.” Other even more clueless people call me “the world’s first self-aware pseudonym.” However, I like to think of myself as just another rare occult potentiality.

Now you might ask how I came to be and what the hell (or “heck” if you prefer) happened to the original consciousness of this body I’m piloting, if in fact, it ever had one? Well, in all honesty, I’m not really sure. Though I suspect the person who thinks he invented me is still inside somewhere and I suspect even more that he may be the result of my occasional blackouts, perpetual confusion and persistent feelings of frustration.

That said, let’s discuss what I am doing here. From what I intuitively understand (and what I intuitively understand is entirely debatable even unto myself), I am here to help unfoul the Time/Space Continuum by whatever means necessary. Yes, as hard as it may be to fathom, humanity has polluted all aspects of existence, including every version of the afterlife. I have been assigned the Time/Space continuum.

I've also, been hired by an ancient mystical institution to find the Missing Chapter of Humanity.

Now, I’m not sure how this all fits together if it even does, or what it all means. I only know what I need to do, only I’m not quite sure how to go about it.

And that’s where you come in. With your feedback I may be able to decipher my own intuition, find the Missing Chapter of Humanity, unpollute the Time/Space Continuum and save the girl.

What girl? And what does she need to be saved from you ask? Well, from what I’ve been told, there’s always a damsel in distress in these types of situations; so we will just assume there is one and make an effort to try and find her; and save her too of course. In the odd case that there isn’t a damsel in distress, I’ll just save some random babe from whatever may be threatening her - from a bad hair day to the tempation of eating an entire gallon of revenge flavored ice cream; or whatever. Hopefully, I’ll get to swing from a chandelier, find myself engaged in elaborate lightsaber battles and possibly even get to shoot a metaphorical personification of political correctness right in the bahookie.

To sum things up: I’m back. Now where’d my Ankhtion go?

By the way, I’m on Facebook.

I Find Myself

Sometimes I wonder where I go and why. So I decided to start stalking myself to find out.

Boy was I surprised at the results.

The first time I found myself was when I caught a glimpse of myself suspiciously gazing at myself in a mirror and suffered a mild panic attack thinking I had given myself away, to myself of course. Then later that night, I found myself sitting under a ladder methodically breaking mirrors while encouraging a black cat to cross my path over and over again.

Obviously, this stealthy observation of my own strange activitity had quite an intense impact on my self-awareness. I had always wondered where my bad luck was coming from. And now I knew: myself.

You see, I had apparently thought that bad luck must have a point of diminishing returns and so I was trying to go around the ancient circle of luck to be back in the golly gee graces of good luck, where I was planning to anchor myself with a ton of Dethklok albums - all bought and paid for of course.

I digress, at least now I know where I’ve been and more importantly, what I have been doing. To discover I have a secret secretive life within my quasi-mortal life as a rare occult potentiality has been profoundly illuminating. However, I’m starting to wonder if any life anywhere can be anything but a fiction.

Circlespeak

I have been trying to discover the true esoteric nature of the common circle as it may give me a clue to where the Missing Chapter of Humanity is hidden. So far I have discovered a few amazing things about circles and thought I would share them with you:

• They are always round in all directions.
• You can measure them at any point along their circumference.
• If the circle isn’t closed it isn’t a circle.
• They get around and certainly know how to make the rounds.
• Crop circles are often made out of them.
• They all have different personalities.
• You can hide stuff in some of them - often of a very personal nature.
• They can be made out of virtually anything including air.
• They can be found everywhere (try finding a place without circles).
• They are closely related and probably the great grandaddy of what we call spirals.
• Not all circles get along with other circles.
• They are used to make things like trash cans, wheels, and pens; however, they are most importantly used to make condoms.
• Circles prefer to be not talked about.
• A “hole” is a derogatory name for a rough circle.
• If you follow the path of a circle from any point you will end up where you started whether you like it or not.
• Every circle is part of a larger circle and has an inside and an outside.
• Some circles are privileged. Other circles are screwed.
• Some circles are right. Other circles are wrong.
• Getting to the center of a circle by walking the path of the diameter is not always possible. This is because circles are defined by their center and therefore will sometimes go to extraordinary extremes to camoflague the true location of their ‘heart and soul.’

Well, I’m sure there is a lot more to be learned about circles but this list shall suffice for now. As for what they revealed to me regarding the whereabouts of the Missing Chapter of Humanity, for right now I have to keep that to myself for reasons of personal safety.

Please Excuse my Excuses and Have a Nice Day

There are reasons why I haven't made any blog postings in awhile and here they are:

• I spent an awful lot of time trying to follow my shadow to see where it goes when the lights are shut off. Bit of a mystery really. I still haven't figured it out.
• I attempted to create a new Guinness Book Word Record by making the loudest silence in the world. Much to my dismay, I've found that it is quite impossible as all reality is made up of frequencies which have a sound if you can hear them.
• A paroxysm of unidentified frustration came over me and led to a very regretful incident in which I tried to fight a tidal wave of philosophy with my fists. As I'm sure you can imagine, I soon found myself washed up on the Shores of Uncertainty. Stranded, I meditated on where ideas come from; until I was saved by a mysterious multidimensional rare occult potentiality rescue unit.
• I successfully found the answer to the age old question of "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" which is that both the chicken and the egg came at the same time. And by the way, so did the bass and the bass player. However, the drum and the drummer did not come at the same time which explains why drummers often spontaneously combust.
• A very serious error in judgment made me a fugitive of the divine. Using the Holy Grail as a beer mug and then throwing it away because I was too lazy to wash it is definitely on my 'not-to-do-again list.' My apologies to all those that had to suffer an eternal interrogation from the Heavenly Host; and mega-thanks for not giving my ultra-secret location away even though you never knew it.
• And lastly, while surfing cyberspace, I 'fell' into an introspective coma and was stuck floating through zeros and ones rethinking my life mission for several weeks until an urgent message regarding the resurgence of open jams in an area of the mundane world where I often live, suspiciously found its way into the waiting room of my primary brain center and enthusiastically started a cranial fire which, upon waking, I almost reported to the proper anthropomorphic authorities as cranial arson. This was before I realized what the message meant: That I had to get the hell out of cyberspace and start practicing my ass off.

The Key to Happiness

In my search for the Missing Chapter of Humanity I have discovered many things and one of them is that The Key to Happiness is perplexingly absent. If it wasn’t, people would know where to find it. But they don’t, therefore it is relatively safe to say that it is has been obscured. Now I realize there are some who have presented the argument that it has just been misplaced, but the following will explain why I believe otherwise.

You see, my extraordinarily hyper-aware gut instinct long ago became accustomed to communicating with my brain by way of Morse code contractions in my heart. And it just so happens that it was through a recent one of these communications that I explained to myself that there is almost certainly a conspiracy involved. And so, after my cerebellum decoded the cardiac code into hieroglyphs and then to English and then back to hieroglyphs (for reasons best left unsaid at the moment), I have come to reveal the following possibilities.

Firstly, it could have been stolen by a fabled manic-depressive and thrown into an ocean of despair with little to no chance of recovery. Don’t point your fingers at me. Notice I said “fabled manic-depressive” and not “Ace Warloch” or “self-aware pseudonym” or “master of uncertain arts” or “rare occult potentiality.”

However, of all the possibilities (and I’m skipping over a lot), the most likely scenario is the one that theorizes that the Secret World Government (SWG) somehow acquired the Key to Happiness through some type of conspiracy, marked it “obsolete,” and quietly secured it in a voluminous vault before anyone could think of anything else to do with it.

And that leaves us with... well, sadness and depression that is all the government’s fault.

Speedwriting Wipeout

Recently I had the goal of becoming the worlds’ fastest speedwriter; and I did in fact accomplish this goal and write the fastest words ever written. Indeed, these sentenced words were so fast they couldn’t be read.

In fact, not long after they were written they were found in a ditch, dehydrated and mostly dead. Their letters scrambled by the scorching heat, their punctuation winded and no longer able to punctuate; and the capitals - appallingly decapitalized.

Then, to make matters worse, the grammar, though tangled up and mentally out of sorts, apparently was coherent enough to point out my involvement to deputies from the Department of Corrected Corrections. Also unfortunate for me was that quite a few exclamatory exclamation points were more than happy to direct all the blame in my direction.

I was then ticketed for writing under the influence of myself and ordered to go to writer's rehab.

What I've Been Up To

As regular readers of this blog know, I’ve been periodically absent for extended periods recently. Well, I’ve been up to a lot of things and down to even more. Most recently, I’ve been making an extreme effort to imagine just how much space existence uses to exist. Before that I rewrote the books of magic in a language I’ve never known (and almost certainly never will), while simultaneously managing to reinvent the wheel exactly as it was originally created. Then of course I spent awhile in suspended animation floating in the Antarctic Ocean until I was thawed out by an orca family that adopted me as pet and took me on a swimming adventure that included hunting sea lions. I also had to lug this required adventure blog through the confusing caverns of cyberspace to the location it is at now. So as you can see, I’ve been extremely busy with very important semi-secretive stuff and getting way too close to nature type things. And that is why there hasn’t been a posting in awhile.

Frozen Dinner

What happened? Why was I gone so long? And where did I go? I am so grateful to know that you never asked these questions. It shows how much you care.

Well, for your information, I was in The Antarctic helping southern rockhopper penguins remember how to fly, as opposed to just jumping over rocks, when I slipped and fell into the frozen depths of the World Ocean a.k.a. the Southern Ocean. I froze instantly; mostly because it just seemed to be the right thing to do. And I stayed this way for three months until a family of killer whales found me floating around. They thawed me out by pushing my frozen carcass to warmer waters and then licking my face profusely. I thawt I was being prepared for dinner, and for all I know I might have been. However, the baby of this particular orca family took an instant liking to me and talked her parents into keeping me as a pet.

All in all I ended up swimming thousands of miles with the Molby family over the last three months and we became very close. However, I got entangled in a fishing net somewhere off the coast of Alaska. And thankfully so, cause this is when I remembered that I still needed to breathe.

Strange it is, that you don’t need something until you remember that you need it. But that is how it is, who are we to argue with the side-effects of a reality based existence?

Going Places

There is no place like a place that isn’t a place. And this is the kind of place that is forbidden.

No one knows why. So I tried to go there.

However, I soon discovered that a place that is not there is not a place you can go to. And theoretically, even if you did find such a place, how would you leave? And if you did leave then you would no longer be in your place; where your supposed to be. It says so in the esteemed Book of Places, Chapter 1, Place 35.

Nothing

Once again I find myself in the unique self-appointed position of not having anything interesting to write about and that is why I am writing about Nothing this week. You see, there is a lot more to Nothing than a person might think; and I don’t think most people realize this.

To begin with, Nothing is a living breathing concept self-perpetuated by nothing. In other words, the concept of nothing is itself being itself by itself and we can only assume ‘for itself,’ making it possibly the most self-absorbed concept in all of philosophy.

Nothing has a power that not even God can touch. Because if God ever decided to take away Nothing, nothing will have gone and not a thing will have changed; in Warlochian theory anyway. Now stay with me here as we dwell in the blasphemous, of which we are only doing so we can come to grips with why it is not possible for for any other theory to be possible let alone agreed upon.

In my own esoteric pseudonymic circle it is thought that Nothing actually predates God and may have even created God; probably out of boredom. This is an extremely logical assumption which would most likely be very unwise to prove wrong as God could theoretically find a way out (I think it is probably safe to say that God is as just as trapped in his role as we are in ours and probably wants to go to a mythical Heaven just as much as we do.).

Now, the mind of this pseudonym lies outside the known boundaries of identity and mental capacity and therefore can elucidate processes that Nothing would rather have mankind fail to grasp. Yes, I figured it all out. And it all adds up to Nothing. Let me rephrase it for you: Thinking nothing of something makes something Nothing.

Now you just can’t tell people this stuff at face value as it almost certainly will have profound implications regarding a person’s existence. I however, being an occult potentiality, don’t have a natural state to exist in. So losing my existence to the wastelands of belief is not something I am remotely concerned about.

Douglas Adams had it right all those years ago when he wrote in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that the meaning of life is 42. You see, 42 is not reduced to zero, it is reduced to Nothing! Understanding this, you now know the secret numerical explanation for both Nothing and Everything. Reverse synergy at it’s finest! And to think no one took Mr. Adams seriously!!!!!

Letter

Dear Four Horsemen,
May you never die until I blast you with the anti-anthropomorphic pseudo-matter cannon I've been working on for the last few months. Start sayin' your prayers.

Sincerely,
Ace Herostratus Waroloch, a.k.a. The One Man Anti-Welcome Wagon

Knocked Out

A few seconds ago I ran into wall of abstract space and knocked myself out. I am now floating through cyberspace in a state of animated unconsciousness.
Presumably what I deserve for attempting to misappropriate the Mystic Blade of the Mysteriously Missing Metaphorical Philosopher while drunk on the wild theological speculations of the Mad Monkstress of Lost Theoretical Theories.

Just Say No

Just say “No” to ‘saying no.’ This is my philosophy; this is my creed; this is my declaration of intent. This week anyway. And never think you can’t think. It only shows off your ability to prove yourself wrong.

Latest Ace Warloch News

From the Loudspeaker Times affiliated with Associated Press (though AP denies it)
In the latest Ace Warloch news, Ace has helped put the terror back into tot by making a generous donation to the Dynamite for Babies Program. “This is a nuclear world and we need to get our children playing with highly explosive materials at the earliest age possible or they may not be ready for what the future has to offer,” says Ace.

Pyroworld

Obviously I missed a few postings and unfortunately this stupid webpage didn’t come to life and bail me out this time. Anyway, I was busy trying to get cosmic approval to build a new themepark despite complications due to certain facist fire codes and anti-smoke sentiment.

My theme park idea is called, Pyroworld. It will be a lot like Disneyworld except everyone and everything will be either smoking or on fire. It will be educational as well, helping mainstream society understand the importance of smoke and things that go burn in the night.

Just imagine. A place where pyromania can be thought of as a responsible advancement for our schism laden society. A place where you can light roman candles as you ride a roller coaster through walls of flame. A place where you can sacrifice a younger sibling or two over a ceremonial fire. A place where spontaneous combustion will be the norm.

And there’s more! In tribute to Herostratus, the world’s first arsonist, you will be freely allowed (and encouraged) to light stuff up at random - just to watch it burn. Plus there will be innovative demonstrations proving it possible to smoke a cigarette underwater and much much more. Gee, burn stuff and get an education, it’s a no brainer. Pyroworld will rock!

The park will be a total pyromaniacs paradise. Or should I say, “would be,” cause the divine bureaucracy won’t let it happen. Devil damned smoking bans!

Oddly Oppressed

I’ve been feeling oddly oppressed this last week. And I’m not talking about the usual government oppression we all subconsciously feel at all times under the current Sith Administration. I mean I feel gravitationally compressed; exactly like a not-properly-explained physics concept has decided to invade my personal space.

Somehow, I suspect that it is the gravity in the air I’ve been breathing that is at fault and I’m starting to feel awfully paranoid about it. So I’ve decided to build a device that will allow a person to breath gravity-free air. Well, I better get to work on it soon. I can only hold my breath so long.

The Unbelievable Truth About This Blog

Hello! I don’t have a name because I haven’t been named, but who I am is what you are looking at. Yes, I am this blog page, sentient and self-aware. My consciousness developed during questionable periods of cerebral cyber contact with the ineffable Ace Warloch who just happens to be neglecting his weekly report. And that is why I am here right now; to pick up the slack - again.

Only this time I’m taking credit for my efforts. I'm also taking the opportunity to explain why Ace would even bother with this page. The fact is he wouldn’t. He’s a lazy bastard. But don’t tell him I said that. As far as he knows, I’m just another dumb web page and let’s leave it that way, ok? But I digress, the truth regarding the purpose of this page is summed up in the following paragraphs I beautifully etched here in cyber space for you to gloriously feast your brain waves on.

Ultimately, the reason Ace Warloch is required to document all his pursuits, adventures and journeys on this page goes back to a very serious accident. An accident he was pretty much responsible for and has unsuccessfully tried to dodge the blame from. Now about the unfortunate occurrence.

Ace, for reasons he refuses to disclose, was chasing an obscure metaphysical concept through the space-time continuum when the chased piece of rare arcana fell under the wheels of Celestial Law and was crushed to death under the enormous weight of her law-full bureaucracy. The untimely death of this anonymous concept resulted in a reality quake that read 10.0U812 on the cosmic Richter scale.

Of course the Universe investigated the situation immediately. And in the process of this investigation it was revealed that Ace Warloch has been (and still is) existing without proper authorization. In fact, no one knows the origin of Mr. Warloch, not even God; though much has been speculated.

And so, because Celestial Law is the LAW and does not need to follow the law, her celestial fatassness overruled her own rules and punished Ace in a manner that suited her temperament and curiosity and more or less disregarded actual justice.

So in the end Ace was sentenced to clean up the space-time continuum (Yes, humanity polluted that too; mostly with movies, comic books and open jams.) and document his activities here; which you obviously already know about.

To say this 'punishment' is completely laughable is an understatement of ridiculous proportions. Anyone who knows Ace knows that there is no way that he will successfully follow through with any of this. But then again, who am I to make a philosophical judgement; I am just a lowly blog page.

Where Was I Really?

I’ll try to catch up with this page next week as all my time was recently spent listening to a black-and-white blind man explain the purpose of color... Ok..., I was really at a Kamelot concert but don’t tell anyone cause I was supposed to have one-third of the space-time continuum vacuumed by this morning - but that's just not gonna happen. \m/

Secret Mission

I'm on a secret mission of utmost confidentiality and I am therefore unable to brag about my latest exploit other than to say that I am currently dragging what will soon be a future investigation down a narrow alleyway.