Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Hanging Upside Down

Thinking there may be a sacred occult path leading to the Missing Chapter of Humanity, I hung myself upside down from Yggdrasil, the World Tree; just as Odin did when he 'discovered' the runes, and probably as Manowar did before they started recording their last masterpiece Gods of War. However, I neglected to wound myself as Odin did figuring the uncomfortableness of hanging upside down was sacrifice enough. Nevertheless, once I was in place, I began my epic gaze into the Nine Worlds.

Well, the Nine Worlds gazed back. Days passed. Nights passed. I ate nothing. I drank nothing. I felt nothing. Probably because I had fallen asleep. However, thanks to a rascally mean and very insulting little myth of a squirrel who goes by the name Ratatoskr I woke in time to see some sort of symbological pseudojabberwocky, written just for me, reflecting off the elysian waters of Mimir's Well.

I wrote the message down in shorthand on the back of my hand while I was still there, however, to make it easier for the entire world to understand I’ve translated it into modern International Morse Code. Now everyone can share what I’ve learned and hopefully live more enlightened lives; though I confess I'm not quite sure what it means and I'm a bit upset they never mentioned the Missing Chapter of Humanity.

-.--.-. -..... -..--. ---- .-.......-.-. ---- -..... .-...-.-..-.-.. ...----..-.-..... .-... -.....-.-- .--.-...-. -........-. ...---..--.-..... ..-. -........-. .--....-.---.-......--....-....-.-. .--.--.--.-.-.- -.....-.-- .-.-.. -.-..-.-...-....-.--. ---- -.-----..- ....--.--..-.--. ..- ..... -.....-..-. ------- .-...--. ---- -.-..--... ..-. -.-----..-.-. .-.--.-.-..-........ ---..-. .-...-.-....--.-- ..-.---.-. .- .-...-.-....--.-- -----.-.. ..-..--.-.-...-.-- -....-....-...-.-.- ...--- ....--...--.-... -..... ...------.-..-.--. .--...-.--...... ---..-. ......-...-.- ....--...-.-..........-.-.- -.---.-- --.--- .-......--.. .--.-.. ..-....-.. .--.--.---.--..-..-.. .--..-.... -..... .--.---.--..-. ---- ..-....-.. ....-.-. -----.-.. -.-.----...-...-....-.. .--...---..-- -.-----..-.-......-....-. .--.-.. -.-----..-.-. .--..-...--.-.. ..-. -......... .-----.-..-..-.. ---..-. -.-.----...-...-....-.. -.-.----...-...-.....----..-.-.-

Or you can listen. I sped up the playback so you can decipher it faster.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Reintroduction of Sorts

Once again it has been awhile since any posts were posted (I trust none of you cared enough to report this to her Celestial Bureaucracy.). However, like always, I have a really good excuse.

This time, the lapse of blogging activity is due to a visit I paid to the Funny Farm. And believe me, this wasn’t just A funny farm, this was THE Funny Farm, an anthropomorphic representation of all community mental health centers but I’ll tell you about that some other time. As for right now, since I’ve been gone so long, I feel it necessary to reintroduce myself.

I am Ace Herostratus Warloch. Some people call me “the master of uncertain arts.” Other even more clueless people call me “the world’s first self-aware pseudonym.” However, I like to think of myself as just another rare occult potentiality.

Now you might ask how I came to be and what the hell (or “heck” if you prefer) happened to the original consciousness of this body I’m piloting, if in fact, it ever had one? Well, in all honesty, I’m not really sure. Though I suspect the person who thinks he invented me is still inside somewhere and I suspect even more that he may be the result of my occasional blackouts, perpetual confusion and persistent feelings of frustration.

That said, let’s discuss what I am doing here. From what I intuitively understand (and what I intuitively understand is entirely debatable even unto myself), I am here to help unfoul the Time/Space Continuum by whatever means necessary. Yes, as hard as it may be to fathom, humanity has polluted all aspects of existence, including every version of the afterlife. I have been assigned the Time/Space continuum.

I've also, been hired by an ancient mystical institution to find the Missing Chapter of Humanity.

Now, I’m not sure how this all fits together if it even does, or what it all means. I only know what I need to do, only I’m not quite sure how to go about it.

And that’s where you come in. With your feedback I may be able to decipher my own intuition, find the Missing Chapter of Humanity, unpollute the Time/Space Continuum and save the girl.

What girl? And what does she need to be saved from you ask? Well, from what I’ve been told, there’s always a damsel in distress in these types of situations; so we will just assume there is one and make an effort to try and find her; and save her too of course. In the odd case that there isn’t a damsel in distress, I’ll just save some random babe from whatever may be threatening her - from a bad hair day to the tempation of eating an entire gallon of revenge flavored ice cream; or whatever. Hopefully, I’ll get to swing from a chandelier, find myself engaged in elaborate lightsaber battles and possibly even get to shoot a metaphorical personification of political correctness right in the bahookie.

To sum things up: I’m back. Now where’d my Ankhtion go?

By the way, I’m on Facebook.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I Find Myself

Sometimes I wonder where I go and why. So I decided to start stalking myself to find out.

Boy was I surprised at the results.

The first time I found myself was when I caught a glimpse of myself suspiciously gazing at myself in a mirror and suffered a mild panic attack thinking I had given myself away, to myself of course. Then later that night, I found myself sitting under a ladder methodically breaking mirrors while encouraging a black cat to cross my path over and over again.

Obviously, this stealthy observation of my own strange activitity had quite an intense impact on my self-awareness. I had always wondered where my bad luck was coming from. And now I knew: myself.

You see, I had apparently thought that bad luck must have a point of diminishing returns and so I was trying to go around the ancient circle of luck to be back in the golly gee graces of good luck, where I was planning to anchor myself with a ton of Dethklok albums - all bought and paid for of course.

I digress, at least now I know where I’ve been and more importantly, what I have been doing. To discover I have a secret secretive life within my quasi-mortal life as a rare occult potentiality has been profoundly illuminating. However, I’m starting to wonder if any life anywhere can be anything but a fiction.


I have been trying to discover the true esoteric nature of the common circle as it may give me a clue to where the Missing Chapter of Humanity is hidden. So far I have discovered a few amazing things about circles and thought I would share them with you:

  • They are always round in all directions.
  • You can measure them at any point along their circumference.
  • If the circle isn’t closed it isn’t a circle.
  • They get around and certainly know how to make the rounds.
  • Crop circles are often made out of them.
  • They all have different personalities.
  • You can hide stuff in some of them - often of a very personal nature.
  • They can be made out of virtually anything including air.
  • They can be found everywhere (try finding a place without circles).
  • They are closely related and probably the great grandaddy of what we call spirals.
  • Not all circles get along with other circles.
  • They are used to make things like trash cans, wheels, and pens; however, they are most importantly used to make condoms.
  • Circles prefer to be not talked about.
  • A “hole” is a derogatory name for a rough circle.
  • If you follow the path of a circle from any point you will end up where you started whether you like it or not.
  • Every circle is part of a larger circle and has an inside and an outside.
  • Some circles are privileged. Other circles are screwed.
  • Some circles are right. Other circles are wrong.
  • Getting to the center of a circle by walking the path of the diameter is not always possible. This is because circles are defined by their center and therefore will sometimes go to extraordinary extremes to camoflague the true location of their ‘heart and soul.’

Well, I’m sure there is a lot more to be learned about circles but this list shall suffice for now. As for what they revealed to me regarding the whereabouts of the Missing Chapter of Humanity, for right now I have to keep that to myself for reasons of personal safety.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Please Excuse my Excuses and Have a Nice Day

There are reasons why I haven't made any blog postings in awhile and here they are:

  • I spent an awful lot of time trying to follow my shadow to see where it goes when the lights are shut off. Bit of a mystery really. I still haven't figured it out.
  • I attempted to create a new Guinness Book Word Record by making the loudest silence in the world. Much to my dismay, I've found that it is quite impossible as all reality is made up of frequencies which have a sound if you can hear them.
  • A paroxysm of unidentified frustration came over me and led to a very regretful incident in which I tried to fight a tidal wave of philosophy with my fists. As I'm sure you can imagine, I soon found myself washed up on the Shores of Uncertainty. Stranded, I meditated on where ideas come from; until I was saved by a mysterious multidimensional rare occult potentiality rescue unit.
  • I successfully found the answer to the age old question of "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" which is that both the chicken and the egg came at the same time. And by the way, so did the bass and the bass player. However, the drum and the drummer did not come at the same time which explains why drummers often spontaneously combust.
  • A very serious error in judgment made me a fugitive of the divine. Using the Holy Grail as a beer mug and then throwing it away because I was too lazy to wash it is definitely on my 'not-to-do-again list.' My apologies to all those that had to suffer an eternal interrogation from the Heavenly Host; and mega-thanks for not giving my ultra-secret location away even though you never knew it.
  • And lastly, while surfing cyberspace, I 'fell' into an introspective coma and was stuck floating through zeros and ones rethinking my life mission for several weeks until an urgent message regarding the resurgence of open jams in an area of the mundane world where I often live, suspiciously found its way into the waiting room of my primary brain center and enthusiastically started a cranial fire which, upon waking, I almost reported to the proper anthropomorphic authorities as cranial arson. This was before I realized what the message meant: That I had to get the hell out of cyberspace and start practicing my ass off.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Key to Happiness

In my search for the Missing Chapter of Humanity I have discovered many things and one of them is that The Key to Happiness is perplexingly absent. If it wasn’t, people would know where to find it. But they don’t, therefore it is relatively safe to say that it is has been obscured. Now I realize there are some who have presented the argument that it has just been misplaced, but the following will explain why I believe otherwise.

You see, my extraordinarily hyper-aware gut instinct long ago became accustomed to communicating with my brain by way of Morse code contractions in my heart. And it just so happens that it was through a recent one of these communications
that I explained to myself that there is almost certainly a conspiracy involved. And so, after my cerebellum decoded the cardiac code into hieroglyphs and then to English and then back to hieroglyphs (for reasons best left unsaid at the moment), I have come to reveal the following possibilities.

Firstly, it could have been stolen by a fabled manic-depressive and thrown into an ocean of despair with little to no chance of recovery. Don’t point your fingers at me. Notice I said “fabled manic-depressive” and not “Ace Warloch” or “self-aware pseudonym” or “master of uncertain arts” or “rare occult potentiality.”

However, of all the possibilities (and I’m skipping over a lot), the most likely scenario is the one that theorizes that the Secret World Government (SWG) somehow acquired the Key to Happiness through some type of conspiracy, marked it “obsolete,” and quietly secured it in a voluminous vault before anyone could think of anything else to do with it.

And that leaves us with... well, sadness and depression that is all the government’s fault.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Speedwriting Wipeout

Recently I had the goal of becoming the worlds’ fastest speedwriter; and I did in fact accomplish this goal and write the fastest words ever written. Indeed, these sentenced words were so fast they couldn’t be read.

In fact, not long after they were written they were found in a ditch, dehydrated and mostly dead. Their letters scrambled by the scorching heat, their punctuation winded and no longer able to punctuate; and the capitals - appallingly decapitalized.

Then, to make matters worse, the grammar, though tangled up and mentally out of sorts, apparently was coherent enough to point out my involvement to deputies from the Department of Corrected Corrections. Also unfortunate for me was that quite a few exclamatory exclamation points were more than happy to direct all the blame in my direction.

I was then ticketed for writing under the influence of myself and ordered to go to writer's rehab.