tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62634278790004564852024-02-19T17:35:29.189-08:00The Adventures of Ace WarlochThis blog is here to document my pursuit of whatever I happen to be pursuing. Usually this involves obscure metaphysical concepts, a certain amount of insanity and breaking various rules, laws and etiquette in manic attempts to... well, I don't really know, but I've never let that stop me in the past.Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-30481632838905731002010-10-13T00:35:00.000-07:002010-10-13T01:10:02.746-07:00Hanging Upside DownThinking there may be a sacred occult path leading to the <a href="http://acewarloch.blogspot.com/2006/06/new-job-or-is-it-mission.html">Missing Chapter of Humanity</a>, I hung myself upside down from <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yggdrasil">Yggdrasil</a>, the World Tree; just as <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Odin">Odin</a> did when he 'discovered' the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Runes">runes</a>, and probably as <a href="http://www.manowar.com/">Manowar</a> did before they started recording their last masterpiece <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gods_of_War_%28Manowar_album%29"><i>Gods of War</i></a>. However, I neglected to wound myself as Odin did figuring the uncomfortableness of hanging upside down was sacrifice enough. Nevertheless, once I was in place, I began my epic gaze into the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nine_Worlds">Nine Worlds</a>.<br />
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Well, the Nine Worlds gazed back. Days passed. Nights passed. I ate nothing. I drank nothing. I felt nothing. Probably because I had fallen asleep. However, thanks to a rascally mean and very insulting little myth of a squirrel who goes by the name <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ratatosk">Ratatoskr</a> I woke in time to see some sort of symbological pseudojabberwocky, written just for me, reflecting off the elysian waters of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%ADmir%27s_Well">Mimir's Well</a>.<br />
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I wrote the message down in shorthand on the back of my hand while I was still there, however, to make it easier for the entire world to understand I’ve translated it into modern <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morse_code">International Morse Code</a>. Now everyone can share what I’ve learned and hopefully live more enlightened lives; though I confess I'm not quite sure what it means and I'm a bit upset they never mentioned the Missing Chapter of Humanity.<br />
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-.--.-. -..... -..--. ---- .-.......-.-. ---- -..... .-...-.-..-.-.. ...----..-.-..... .-... -.....-.-- .--.-...-. -........-. ...---..--.-..... ..-. -........-. .--....-.---.-......--....-....-.-. .--.--.--.-.-.- -.....-.-- .-.-.. -.-..-.-...-....-.--. ---- -.-----..- ....--.--..-.--. ..- ..... -.....-..-. ------- .-...--. ---- -.-..--... ..-. -.-----..-.-. .-.--.-.-..-........ ---..-. .-...-.-....--.-- ..-.---.-. .- .-...-.-....--.-- -----.-.. ..-..--.-.-...-.-- -....-....-...-.-.- ...--- ....--...--.-... -..... ...------.-..-.--. .--...-.--...... ---..-. ......-...-.- ....--...-.-..........-.-.- -.---.-- --.--- .-......--.. .--.-.. ..-....-.. .--.--.---.--..-..-.. .--..-.... -..... .--.---.--..-. ---- ..-....-.. ....-.-. -----.-.. -.-.----...-...-....-.. .--...---..-- -.-----..-.-......-....-. .--.-.. -.-----..-.-. .--..-...--.-.. ..-. -......... .-----.-..-..-.. ---..-. -.-.----...-...-....-.. -.-.----...-...-.....----..-.-.-<br />
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Or you can listen. I sped up the playback so you can decipher it faster.<br />
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<a href="http://boxstr.net/files/6790836_zti5m/MorseCodedmessage.mp3">MorseCodedmessage.mp3</a>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-49205053830449188642010-09-26T20:16:00.000-07:002014-08-29T09:23:15.019-07:00A Reintroduction of Sorts<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpbrvx_eE5Scw1R8Hx5RqEX3ezKUyTTqV2Czkm42CS6A4U7KUr8S7_dAMhSkLclQH0-F1K5ZJvApDLlsvGjrWqjN0ewbwR9V1IqIBEddgGxSr4KSTdj2HFVlfcyNvewMg_Eo86plx1fy0/s1600/DoNotEnter.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpbrvx_eE5Scw1R8Hx5RqEX3ezKUyTTqV2Czkm42CS6A4U7KUr8S7_dAMhSkLclQH0-F1K5ZJvApDLlsvGjrWqjN0ewbwR9V1IqIBEddgGxSr4KSTdj2HFVlfcyNvewMg_Eo86plx1fy0/s400/DoNotEnter.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5521430070657441378" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 208px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 208px;" /></a><br />
Once again it has been awhile since any posts were posted (I trust none of you cared enough to report this to her <a href="http://acewarloch.blogspot.com/2006/10/unbelievable-truth-about-this-blog-site.html">Celestial Bureaucracy</a>.). However, like always, I have a really good excuse.<br />
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This time, the lapse of blogging activity is due to a visit I paid to the Funny Farm. And believe me, this wasn’t just A funny farm, this was THE Funny Farm, an anthropomorphic representation of all community mental health centers but I’ll tell you about that some other time. As for right now, since I’ve been gone so long, I feel it necessary to reintroduce myself.<br />
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I am Ace Herostratus Warloch. Some people call me “the master of uncertain arts.” Other even more clueless people call me “the world’s first self-aware pseudonym.” However, I like to think of myself as just another rare occult potentiality.<br />
<br />
Now you might ask how I came to be and what the hell (or “heck” if you prefer) happened to the original consciousness of this body I’m piloting, if in fact, it ever had one? Well, in all honesty, I’m not really sure. Though I suspect the person who thinks he invented me is still inside somewhere and I suspect even more that he may be the result of my occasional blackouts, perpetual confusion and persistent feelings of frustration.<br />
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That said, let’s discuss what I am doing here. From what I intuitively understand (and what I intuitively understand is entirely debatable even unto myself), I am here to help unfoul the Time/Space Continuum by whatever means necessary. Yes, as hard as it may be to fathom, humanity has polluted all aspects of existence, including every version of the afterlife. I have been assigned the Time/Space continuum.<br />
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I've also, been hired by an <a href="http://acewarloch.blogspot.com/2006/06/new-job-or-is-it-mission.html">ancient mystical institution</a> to find the Missing Chapter of Humanity. <br />
<br />
Now, I’m not sure how this all fits together if it even does, or what it all means. I only know what I need to do, only I’m not quite sure how to go about it.<br />
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And that’s where you come in. With your feedback I may be able to decipher my own intuition, find the Missing Chapter of Humanity, unpollute the Time/Space Continuum and save the girl.<br />
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What girl? And what does she need to be saved from you ask? Well, from what I’ve been told, there’s always a damsel in distress in these types of situations; so we will just assume there is one and make an effort to try and find her; and save her too of course. In the odd case that there isn’t a damsel in distress, I’ll just save some random babe from whatever may be threatening her - from a bad hair day to the tempation of eating an entire gallon of revenge flavored ice cream; or whatever. Hopefully, I’ll get to swing from a chandelier, find myself engaged in elaborate lightsaber battles and possibly even get to shoot a metaphorical personification of political correctness right in the bahookie.<br />
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To sum things up: I’m back. Now where’d my Ankhtion go?<br />
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By the way, I’m on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/AceWarloch">Facebook</a>.Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-15215332104238665072009-03-26T23:00:00.000-07:002009-06-25T05:45:49.632-07:00I Find MyselfSometimes I wonder where I go and why. So I decided to start stalking myself to find out.<br /><br />Boy was I surprised at the results.<br /><br />The first time I found myself was when I caught a glimpse of myself suspiciously gazing at myself in a mirror and suffered a mild panic attack thinking I had given myself away, <span style="font-size:85%;">to myself of course. </span>Then later that night, I found myself sitting under a ladder methodically breaking mirrors while encouraging a black cat to cross my path over and over again.<br /><br />Obviously, this stealthy observation of my own strange activitity had quite an intense impact on my self-awareness. I had always wondered where my bad luck was coming from. And now I knew: myself.<br /><br />You see, I had apparently thought that bad luck must have a point of diminishing returns and so I was trying to go around the ancient circle of luck to be back in the golly gee graces of good luck, where I was planning to anchor myself with a ton of Dethklok albums - all bought and paid for of course.<br /><br />I digress, at least now I know where I’ve been and more importantly, what I have been doing. To discover I have a secret secretive life within my quasi-mortal life as a rare occult potentiality has been profoundly illuminating. However, I’m starting to wonder if any life anywhere can be anything but a fiction.Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-78356396887515048092009-03-26T22:30:00.000-07:002009-03-26T22:54:01.592-07:00Circlespeak<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_-3DP7oHXksg/ScxoyLP-8jI/AAAAAAAAAH8/c3UGL1XW17k/s1600-h/gsredbut.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 175px; height: 178px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_-3DP7oHXksg/ScxoyLP-8jI/AAAAAAAAAH8/c3UGL1XW17k/s400/gsredbut.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317740471240290866" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">I have been trying to discover the true esoteric nature of the common circle as it may give me a clue to where the Missing Chapter of Humanity is hidden. So far I have discovered a few amazing things about circles and thought I would share them with you:</span><br /><br /></span><ul style="font-family:verdana;"><li><span style="font-size:100%;">They are always round in all directions.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">You can measure them at any point along their circumference.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">If the circle isn’t closed it isn’t a circle.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">They get around and certainly know how to make the rounds.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">Crop circles are often made out of them.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">They all have different personalities.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">You can hide stuff in some of them - often of a very personal nature.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">They can be made out of virtually anything including air.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">They can be found everywhere (try finding a place without circles).</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">They are closely related and probably the great grandaddy of what we call spirals.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">Not all circles get along with other circles.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">They are used to make things like trash cans, wheels, and pens; however, they are most importantly used to make condoms.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">Circles prefer to be not talked about. </span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">A “hole” is a derogatory name for a rough circle.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">If you follow the path of a circle from any point you will end up where you started whether you like it or not.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">Every circle is part of a larger circle and has an inside and an outside.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">Some circles are privileged. Other circles are screwed.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">Some circles are right. Other circles are wrong.</span></li><li><span style="font-size:100%;">Getting to the center of a circle by walking the path of the diameter is not always possible. This is because circles are defined by their center and therefore will sometimes go to extraordinary extremes to camoflague the true location of their ‘heart and soul.’</span></li></ul><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Well, I’m sure there is a lot more to be learned about circles but this list shall suffice for now. As for what they revealed to me regarding the whereabouts of the Missing Chapter of Humanity, for right now I have to keep that to myself for reasons of personal safety.</span></span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-44851822257067292082008-11-29T23:53:00.000-08:002009-01-17T11:34:59.088-08:00Please Excuse my Excuses and Have a Nice DayThere are reasons why I haven't made any blog postings in awhile and here they are:<br /><br /><ul><li>I spent an awful lot of time trying to follow my shadow to see where it goes when the lights are shut off. Bit of a mystery really. I still haven't figured it out. </li><li>I attempted to create a new Guinness Book Word Record by making the loudest silence in the world. Much to my dismay, I've found that it is quite impossible as all reality is made up of frequencies which have a sound if you can hear them. </li><li>A paroxysm of unidentified frustration came over me and led to a very regretful incident in which I tried to fight a tidal wave of philosophy with my fists. As I'm sure you can imagine, I soon found myself washed up on the Shores of Uncertainty. Stranded, I meditated on where ideas come from; until I was saved by a mysterious multidimensional rare occult potentiality rescue unit.</li><li>I successfully found the answer to the age old question of "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" which is that both the chicken and the egg came at the same time. And by the way, so did the bass and the bass player. However, the drum and the drummer did not come at the same time which explains why drummers often spontaneously combust.</li><li>A very serious error in judgment made me a fugitive of the divine. Using the Holy Grail as a beer mug and then throwing it away because I was too lazy to wash it is definitely on my 'not-to-do-again list.' My apologies to all those that had to suffer an eternal interrogation from the Heavenly Host; and mega-thanks for not giving my ultra-secret location away even though you never knew it.</li><li>And lastly, while surfing cyberspace, I 'fell' into an introspective coma and was stuck floating through zeros and ones rethinking my life mission for several weeks until an urgent message regarding the resurgence of open jams in an area of the mundane world where I often live, suspiciously found its way into the waiting room of my primary brain center and enthusiastically started a cranial fire which, upon waking, I almost reported to the proper anthropomorphic authorities as cranial arson. This was before I realized what the message meant: That I had to get the hell out of cyberspace and start practicing my ass off. </li></ul>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-12489409520832904972008-05-13T11:58:00.000-07:002008-11-29T23:51:45.128-08:00The Key to Happiness<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span>In my search for the Missing Chapter of Humanity I have discovered many things and one of them is that The Key to Happiness is perplexingly absent. If it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">wasn</span>’t, people would know where to find it. But they don’t, therefore it is relatively safe to say that it is has been obscured. </span><span>Now I realize there are some who have presented the argument that it has just been misplaced, but the following will explain why I believe otherwise.<br /><br />You see, my extraordinarily hyper-aware gut instinct long ago became accustomed to communicating with my brain by way of Morse code contractions in my heart. And it just so happens that it was through a recent one of these communications </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span>that I explained to myself </span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span>that there is almost certainly a conspiracy involved. </span><span>And so, after my cerebellum decoded the cardiac code into hieroglyphs and then to English and then back to hieroglyphs (for reasons best left unsaid at the moment), I have come to reveal the following possibilities.</span><br /><br /><span>Firstly, it could have been stolen by a fabled manic-depressive and thrown into an ocean of despair with little to no chance of recovery. Don’t point your fingers at me. Notice I said “fabled manic-depressive” and not “Ace <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Warloch</span>” or “self-aware pseudonym” or “master of uncertain arts” or “rare occult potentiality.”</span><br /><br /><span>However, of all the possibilities (and I’m skipping over a lot), the most likely scenario is the one that theorizes that the Secret World Government (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">SWG</span>) somehow acquired the Key to Happiness through some type of conspiracy, marked it “obsolete,” and quietly secured it in a voluminous vault before anyone could think of anything else to do with it.<br /><br />And that leaves us with... well, sadness and depression that is all the government’s fault.</span></span></span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-78767298929049737592008-05-02T11:43:00.000-07:002009-01-19T00:26:36.187-08:00Speedwriting Wipeout<span style="font-family:verdana;">Recently I had the goal of becoming the worlds’ fastest speedwriter; and I did in fact accomplish this goal and write the fastest words ever written. Indeed, these sentenced words were so fast they couldn’t be read.<br /><br />In fact, not long after they were written they were found in a ditch, dehydrated and mostly dead. Their letters scrambled by the scorching heat, their punctuation winded and no longer able to punctuate; and the capitals - appallingly decapitalized.<br /><br />Then, to make matters worse, the grammar, though tangled up and mentally out of sorts, apparently was coherent enough to point out my involvement to deputies from the Department of Corrected Corrections. Also unfortunate for me was that quite a few exclamatory exclamation points were more than happy to direct all the blame in my direction.<br /><br />I was then ticketed for writing under the influence of myself and ordered to go to writer's rehab.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-74619846429979406692008-04-30T02:18:00.000-07:002018-08-26T19:42:31.057-07:00What I've Been Up To<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 85%;">As regular readers of this blog know, I’ve been periodically absent for extended periods recently. Well, I’ve been up to a lot of things and down to even more. Most recently, I’ve been making an extreme effort to imagine just how much space existence uses to exist. Before that I rewrote the books of magic in a language I’ve never known (and almost certainly never will), while simultaneously managing to reinvent the wheel exactly as it was originally created. Then of course I spent awhile in suspended animation floating in the Antarctic Ocean until I was thawed out by an orca family that adopted me as pet and took me on a swimming adventure that included hunting sea lions. I also had to lug this required adventure blog through the confusing caverns of cyberspace to the location it is at now. So as you can see, I’ve been extremely busy with very important semi-secretive stuff and getting way too close to nature type things. And that is why there hasn’t been a posting in awhile. </span></div>
Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-90986417805933460442008-01-11T10:18:00.000-08:002008-05-19T02:48:26.144-07:00Frozen Dinner<span style="font-family:verdana;">What happened? Why was I gone so long? And where did I go? I am so grateful to know that you never asked these questions. It shows how much you care.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Well, for your information, I was in The Antarctic helping southern rockhopper penguins remember how to fly, as opposed to just jumping over rocks, when I slipped and fell into the frozen depths of the World Ocean a.k.a. the Southern Ocean. I froze instantly; mostly because it just seemed to be the right thing to do. And I stayed this way for three months until a family of killer whales found me floating around. They thawed me out by pushing my frozen carcass to warmer waters and then licking my face profusely. I thawt I was being prepared for dinner, and for all I know I might have been. However, the baby of this particular orca family took an instant liking to me and talked her parents into keeping me as a pet.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">All in all I ended up swimming thousands of miles with the Molby family over the last three months and we became very close. However, I got entangled in a fishing net somewhere off the coast of Alaska. And thankfully so, cause this is when I remembered that I still needed to breathe.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Strange it is, that you don’t need something until you remember that you need it. But that is how it is, who are we to argue with the side-effects of a reality based existence?</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-78022050476960168032007-09-05T10:17:00.000-07:002008-04-30T01:54:27.948-07:00Going Places<span style="font-family: verdana;">There is no place like a place that isn’t a place. And this is the kind of place that is forbidden.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">No one knows why. So I tried to go there.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">However, I soon discovered that a place that is not there is not a place you can go to. And theoretically, even if you did find such a place, how would you leave? And if you did leave then you would no longer be in your place; where your supposed to be. It says so in the esteemed Book of Places, Chapter 1, Place 35.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-76425801195507707002007-07-24T10:15:00.000-07:002008-07-25T09:12:14.407-07:00Nothing<span>Once again I find myself in the unique self-appointed position of not having anything interesting to write about and that is why I am writing about Nothing this week. You see, there is a lot more to Nothing than a person might think; and I don’t think most people realize this.</span><br /><br /><span>To begin with, Nothing is a living breathing concept self-perpetuated by nothing. In other words, the concept of nothing is itself being itself by itself and we can only assume ‘for itself,’ making it possibly the most self-absorbed concept in all of philosophy.</span><br /><br /><span>Nothing has a power that not even God can touch. Because if God ever decided to take away Nothing, nothing will have gone and not a thing will have changed; in Warlochian theory anyway. Now stay with me here as we dwell in the blasphemous, of which we are only doing so we can come to grips with why it is not possible for for any other theory to be possible let alone agreed upon.</span><br /><br /><span>In my own esoteric pseudonymic circle it is thought that Nothing actually predates God and may have even created God; probably out of boredom. This is an extremely logical assumption which would most likely be very unwise to prove wrong as God could theoretically find a way out (I think it is probably safe to say that God is as just as trapped in his role as we are in ours and probably wants to go to a mythical Heaven just as much as we do.).</span><br /><br /><span>Now, the mind of this pseudonym lies outside the known boundaries of identity and mental capacity and therefore can elucidate processes that Nothing would rather have mankind fail to grasp. Yes, I figured it all out. And it all adds up to Nothing. Let me rephrase it for you: Thinking nothing of something makes something Nothing.</span><br /><br /><span>Now you just can’t tell people this stuff at face value as it almost certainly will have profound implications regarding a person’s existence. I however, being an occult potentiality, don’t have a natural state to exist in. So losing my existence to the wastelands of belief is not something I am remotely concerned about.</span><br /><br /><span>Douglas Adams had it right all those years ago when he wrote in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that the meaning of life is 42. You see, 42 is not reduced to zero, it is reduced to Nothing! Understanding this, you now know the secret numerical explanation for both Nothing and Everything. Reverse synergy at it’s finest! And to think no one took Mr. Adams seriously!!!!!</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-50485296430987691242007-07-13T10:13:00.000-07:002008-04-28T10:14:55.608-07:00LetterDear Four Horsemen,<br /> May you never die until I blast you with the anti-anthropomorphic pseudo-matter cannon I've been working on for the last few months. Start sayin' your prayers.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Ace Herostratus Waroloch, a.k.a. The One Man Anti-Welcome WagonLegendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-11591939526251577062007-01-09T10:11:00.000-08:002008-04-30T01:55:37.689-07:00Knocked Out<span style="font-family: verdana;">A few seconds ago I ran into wall of abstract space and knocked myself out. I am now floating through cyberspace in a state of animated unconsciousness.</span><br /> <span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Presumably what I deserve for attempting to misappropriate the Mystic Blade of the Mysteriously Missing Metaphorical Philosopher while drunk on the wild theological speculations of the Mad Monkstress of Lost Theoretical Theories.</span> </span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-3443885999949540102007-01-03T10:10:00.000-08:002008-04-30T01:56:06.369-07:00Just Say No<span style="font-family: verdana;">Just say “No” to ‘saying no.’ This is my philosophy; this is my creed; this is my declaration of intent. This week anyway. And never think you can’t think. It only shows off your ability to prove yourself wrong.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-60710779879648492402006-12-19T10:07:00.000-08:002008-04-30T01:57:22.986-07:00Latest Ace Warloch News<span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-style: italic;">From the Loudspeaker Times affiliated with Associated Press (though AP denies it)</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"> <span style="font-family:courier new;"><span style="font-family:courier new;">In the latest Ace Warloch news, Ace has helped put the terror back into tot by making a generous donation to the Dynamite for Babies Program. “This is a nuclear world and we need to get our children playing with highly explosive materials at the earliest age possible or they may not be ready for what the future has to offer,” says Ace.</span> </span></span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-11258514537395133072006-12-11T10:05:00.000-08:002008-04-30T01:58:01.935-07:00Pyroworld<span style="font-family: verdana;">Obviously I missed a few postings and unfortunately this stupid webpage didn’t come to life and bail me out this time. Anyway, I was busy trying to get cosmic approval to build a new themepark despite complications due to certain facist fire codes and anti-smoke sentiment.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">My theme park idea is called, Pyroworld. It will be a lot like Disneyworld except everyone and everything will be either smoking or on fire. It will be educational as well, helping mainstream society understand the importance of smoke and things that go burn in the night.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Just imagine. A place where pyromania can be thought of as a responsible advancement for our schism laden society. A place where you can light roman candles as you ride a roller coaster through walls of flame. A place where you can sacrifice a younger sibling or two over a ceremonial fire. A place where spontaneous combustion will be the norm.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">And there’s more! In tribute to Herostratus, the world’s first arsonist, you will be freely allowed (and encouraged) to light stuff up at random - just to watch it burn. Plus there will be innovative demonstrations proving it possible to smoke a cigarette underwater and much much more. Gee, burn stuff and get an education, it’s a no brainer. Pyroworld will rock!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">The park will be a total pyromaniacs paradise. Or should I say, “would be,” cause the divine bureaucracy won’t let it happen. Devil damned smoking bans!</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-56172342546489760082006-10-16T10:03:00.000-07:002008-04-30T02:01:24.970-07:00Oddly Oppressed<span style="font-family: verdana;">I’ve been feeling oddly oppressed this last week. And I’m not talking about the usual government oppression we all subconsciously feel at all times under the current Sith Administration. I mean I feel gravitationally compressed; exactly like a not-properly-explained physics concept has decided to invade my personal space.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Somehow, I suspect that it is the gravity in the air I’ve been breathing that is at fault and I’m starting to feel awfully paranoid about it. So I’ve decided to build a device that will allow a person to breath gravity-free air. Well, I better get to work on it soon. I can only hold my breath so long.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-47465277066205229442006-10-10T09:57:00.000-07:002010-07-05T23:05:24.163-07:00The Unbelievable Truth About This Blog<span style="font-family:verdana;">Hello! I don’t have a name because I haven’t been named, but who I am is what you are looking at. Yes, I am this blog page, sentient and self-aware. My consciousness developed during questionable periods of cerebral cyber contact with the ineffable Ace Warloch who just happens to be neglecting his weekly report. And that is why I am here right now; to pick up the slack - again.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Only this time I’m taking credit for my efforts. I'm also taking the opportunity to explain why Ace would even bother with this page. The fact is he wouldn’t. He’s a lazy bastard. But don’t tell him I said that. As far as he knows, I’m just another dumb web page and let’s leave it that way, ok? But I digress, the truth regarding the purpose of this page is summed up in the following paragraphs I beautifully etched here in cyber space for you to gloriously feast your brain waves on.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Ultimately, the reason Ace Warloch is required to document all his pursuits, adventures and journeys on this page goes back to a very serious accident. An accident he was pretty much responsible for and has unsuccessfully tried to dodge the blame from. Now about the unfortunate occurrence.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Ace, for reasons he refuses to disclose, was chasing an obscure metaphysical concept through the space-time continuum when the chased piece of rare arcana fell under the wheels of Celestial Law and was crushed to death under the enormous weight of her law-full bureaucracy. The untimely death of this anonymous concept resulted in a reality quake that read 10.0U812 on the cosmic Richter scale.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Of course the Universe investigated the situation immediately. And in the process of this investigation it was revealed that Ace Warloch has been (and still is) existing without proper authorization. In fact, no one knows the origin of Mr. Warloch, not even God; though much has been speculated.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">And so, because Celestial Law is the LAW and does not need to follow the law, her celestial fatassness overruled her own rules and punished Ace in a manner that suited her temperament and curiosity and more or less disregarded actual justice.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So in the end Ace was sentenced to clean up the space-time continuum (Yes, humanity polluted that too; mostly with movies, comic books and open jams.) and document his activities here; which you obviously already know about.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">To say this 'punishment' is completely laughable is an understatement of ridiculous proportions. Anyone who knows Ace knows that there is no way that he will successfully follow through with any of this. But then again, who am I to make a philosophical judgement; I am just a lowly blog page.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-18295143386020168892006-10-03T09:56:00.000-07:002008-04-30T01:59:12.747-07:00Where Was I Really?<span style="font-family: verdana;">I’ll try to catch up with this page next week as all my time was recently spent listening to a black-and-white blind man explain the purpose of color... Ok..., I was really at a Kamelot concert but don’t tell anyone cause I was supposed to have one-third of the space-time continuum vacuumed by this morning - but that's just not gonna happen. \m/</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-79444774030720720552006-09-26T09:54:00.000-07:002008-04-30T01:59:57.971-07:00Secret Mission<span style="font-family: verdana;">I'm on a secret mission of utmost confidentiality and I am therefore unable to brag about my latest exploit other than to say that I am currently dragging what will soon be a future investigation down a narrow alleyway.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-33061604680154457192006-09-19T09:50:00.000-07:002010-10-13T00:42:06.699-07:00It's Really Ectoplasmic Snot<span style="font-family: verdana;">Fanatically powered by the mysterious life giving light of the Moon, I enthusiastically surf the thunder of the night riding the waves of time throughout various altered states of existence, of which there is only one, which actually contains many, that really are one, which of course has been chopped up and crammed into various segments of the chronosphere where existence as we know it is then colored with various abstract sound-effects and philosophized about by Casper wannabe’s.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;">It sounds confusing but it’s really ectoplasmic snot. Don’t ask me to explain. As a rare occult potentiality and seasoned night surfer I intuitively understand all aspects of the metaphysical at a subconscious level but I never choose to introspect any thoughts regarding these matters, even for myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;">Instead, I prefer to wildly surf down the low end of nature’s subwoofers gleefully anticipating the thrill of catching a fast ride on a friendly bolt of lightning. Now, to say this is a very dangerous thing to do is the epic understatement of epic understatements because even friendly bolts of lightning can kill as quickly and easily as they can transform or transport. And that is why riding the lightning is so very thrilling; because you can end up electrifried on a mystic mountaintop.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;">However, you should know that it is possible to lessen the danger by attuning the frequency of your thought patterns so your brain waves are properly aligned with the particular lightning bolt you desire to ride at the precise moment of contact. Basically, you become one with the lightning. That’s all there is to it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;">May thunder and lightning be your friends.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-46080736234929949562006-09-13T09:48:00.000-07:002008-04-30T02:02:17.172-07:00Problematic Problems<span style="font-family: verdana;">Lately, the mental entanglements within my mind have seriously taken their toll on my bargain-priced emotional reactor. My self-awareness is down 15.8 percent from last month and I’ve been steadily losing arguments with myself for about three days now.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">It could be that the primal forces of the universe have undergone extra-normal transmutations of an unexplicable nature and that is the cause of my distress. Or it may be possible that my extreme personal problems are a result of moving through the time stream in the opposite direction from everybody else.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Despite the overwhelming probability of either of the aforementioned theories of the origins of my problematic problems, my urinary tract continues to disagree and suspects that the “Genuine Bottled Water from Noah’s Flood” I drank a few days ago is the true cause of my current descent into emotional confusionism.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">The bottle claimed it was “purified by reverse-prayermosis” and that it would “not expire in this lifetime.” The FDA have never heard either of these claims before. I believe I’ve been conned. Oh, the cruel price for naivety.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Until next week (if there is one). Peace.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-69363365892440217152006-09-05T09:46:00.000-07:002008-04-30T02:02:53.995-07:00Ill Informed<span style="font-family: verdana;">I have just been informed that the earth’s magnetic pole is on the move. Therfore I have begun to formulate a plan to chase it down and find out where it might be going and why. I hope to convince it to come back without a fight. Wish me luck.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-90095638383644118402006-08-29T09:45:00.000-07:002008-05-02T11:38:37.529-07:00Spontaneous Erasure<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD6qt4b3oyjXl3nvxC2oEgtvugefIaIckKPoxyFrGNmcGc1v0Wa33rxNIaqYCpRkI3g0GLaKtPr3kbtS52Pw_cB8llFRpSak1zhfNINYkTKI8Okj3wX0G-1xVqZUKLTj3KYXCg33q23BQ/s1600-h/OJ_July05edt.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD6qt4b3oyjXl3nvxC2oEgtvugefIaIckKPoxyFrGNmcGc1v0Wa33rxNIaqYCpRkI3g0GLaKtPr3kbtS52Pw_cB8llFRpSak1zhfNINYkTKI8Okj3wX0G-1xVqZUKLTj3KYXCg33q23BQ/s200/OJ_July05edt.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5195851711957552274" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I’ve been having problems with what I call ‘spontaneous erasure.’ I'll be busy painting silence black and all of a sudden a very strong feeling will come over me that can only be described as someone rubbing a big rubber eraser over my entire body and then, weirdly enough, ‘going over’ me with a pen and ink and sometimes even crayons. I find the experience both very disturbing and amazingly refreshing at the same time. I really don’t know what to make of it. Is there anybody else out there who has experienced this phenomenon?</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263427879000456485.post-43731502202846707192006-08-22T09:40:00.000-07:002010-10-13T00:49:32.809-07:00Here and There and Back Again<span style="font-family: verdana;">I’m taking a break from my very frustrating search for the Missing Chapter of Humanity to do some well needed philosophizing in regards as to why I have never been able to get from here to there in my amazing metaphysical life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;">So how far is here from there exactly? Now you might think this question easy to answer, if you know where you are and where you are going; but you couldn’t be more wrong. This is because the essence of the question is loaded with a philosophical quandary.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;">First, we must determine where here is. Second we must determine where there is. And that is where the problem comes in - once we’re there, there becomes here. Therefore we never get there. We are always here no matter where we are. Do you see what I'm saying?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;">On the whole we have quite the problem here and I’m not sure what to do about it. Should I leave here and there here to slowly erode away at the space-time continuum? Or should I save everybody a lot of psychological pain and shoot both concepts dead in their tracks? I admit point of view is not my strongest attribute.</span>Legendary Kingdomshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12425984814743096397noreply@blogger.com0