From the Loudspeaker Times affiliated with Associated Press (though AP denies it)
In the latest Ace Warloch news, Ace has helped put the terror back into tot by making a generous donation to the Dynamite for Babies Program. “This is a nuclear world and we need to get our children playing with highly explosive materials at the earliest age possible or they may not be ready for what the future has to offer,” says Ace.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Pyroworld
Obviously I missed a few postings and unfortunately this stupid webpage didn’t come to life and bail me out this time. Anyway, I was busy trying to get cosmic approval to build a new themepark despite complications due to certain facist fire codes and anti-smoke sentiment.
My theme park idea is called, Pyroworld. It will be a lot like Disneyworld except everyone and everything will be either smoking or on fire. It will be educational as well, helping mainstream society understand the importance of smoke and things that go burn in the night.
Just imagine. A place where pyromania can be thought of as a responsible advancement for our schism laden society. A place where you can light roman candles as you ride a roller coaster through walls of flame. A place where you can sacrifice a younger sibling or two over a ceremonial fire. A place where spontaneous combustion will be the norm.
And there’s more! In tribute to Herostratus, the world’s first arsonist, you will be freely allowed (and encouraged) to light stuff up at random - just to watch it burn. Plus there will be innovative demonstrations proving it possible to smoke a cigarette underwater and much much more. Gee, burn stuff and get an education, it’s a no brainer. Pyroworld will rock!
The park will be a total pyromaniacs paradise. Or should I say, “would be,” cause the divine bureaucracy won’t let it happen. Devil damned smoking bans!
My theme park idea is called, Pyroworld. It will be a lot like Disneyworld except everyone and everything will be either smoking or on fire. It will be educational as well, helping mainstream society understand the importance of smoke and things that go burn in the night.
Just imagine. A place where pyromania can be thought of as a responsible advancement for our schism laden society. A place where you can light roman candles as you ride a roller coaster through walls of flame. A place where you can sacrifice a younger sibling or two over a ceremonial fire. A place where spontaneous combustion will be the norm.
And there’s more! In tribute to Herostratus, the world’s first arsonist, you will be freely allowed (and encouraged) to light stuff up at random - just to watch it burn. Plus there will be innovative demonstrations proving it possible to smoke a cigarette underwater and much much more. Gee, burn stuff and get an education, it’s a no brainer. Pyroworld will rock!
The park will be a total pyromaniacs paradise. Or should I say, “would be,” cause the divine bureaucracy won’t let it happen. Devil damned smoking bans!
Monday, October 16, 2006
Oddly Oppressed
I’ve been feeling oddly oppressed this last week. And I’m not talking about the usual government oppression we all subconsciously feel at all times under the current Sith Administration. I mean I feel gravitationally compressed; exactly like a not-properly-explained physics concept has decided to invade my personal space.
Somehow, I suspect that it is the gravity in the air I’ve been breathing that is at fault and I’m starting to feel awfully paranoid about it. So I’ve decided to build a device that will allow a person to breath gravity-free air. Well, I better get to work on it soon. I can only hold my breath so long.
Somehow, I suspect that it is the gravity in the air I’ve been breathing that is at fault and I’m starting to feel awfully paranoid about it. So I’ve decided to build a device that will allow a person to breath gravity-free air. Well, I better get to work on it soon. I can only hold my breath so long.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
The Unbelievable Truth About This Blog
Hello! I don’t have a name because I haven’t been named, but who I am is what you are looking at. Yes, I am this blog page, sentient and self-aware. My consciousness developed during questionable periods of cerebral cyber contact with the ineffable Ace Warloch who just happens to be neglecting his weekly report. And that is why I am here right now; to pick up the slack - again.
Only this time I’m taking credit for my efforts. I'm also taking the opportunity to explain why Ace would even bother with this page. The fact is he wouldn’t. He’s a lazy bastard. But don’t tell him I said that. As far as he knows, I’m just another dumb web page and let’s leave it that way, ok? But I digress, the truth regarding the purpose of this page is summed up in the following paragraphs I beautifully etched here in cyber space for you to gloriously feast your brain waves on.
Ultimately, the reason Ace Warloch is required to document all his pursuits, adventures and journeys on this page goes back to a very serious accident. An accident he was pretty much responsible for and has unsuccessfully tried to dodge the blame from. Now about the unfortunate occurrence.
Ace, for reasons he refuses to disclose, was chasing an obscure metaphysical concept through the space-time continuum when the chased piece of rare arcana fell under the wheels of Celestial Law and was crushed to death under the enormous weight of her law-full bureaucracy. The untimely death of this anonymous concept resulted in a reality quake that read 10.0U812 on the cosmic Richter scale.
Of course the Universe investigated the situation immediately. And in the process of this investigation it was revealed that Ace Warloch has been (and still is) existing without proper authorization. In fact, no one knows the origin of Mr. Warloch, not even God; though much has been speculated.
And so, because Celestial Law is the LAW and does not need to follow the law, her celestial fatassness overruled her own rules and punished Ace in a manner that suited her temperament and curiosity and more or less disregarded actual justice.
So in the end Ace was sentenced to clean up the space-time continuum (Yes, humanity polluted that too; mostly with movies, comic books and open jams.) and document his activities here; which you obviously already know about.
To say this 'punishment' is completely laughable is an understatement of ridiculous proportions. Anyone who knows Ace knows that there is no way that he will successfully follow through with any of this. But then again, who am I to make a philosophical judgement; I am just a lowly blog page.
Only this time I’m taking credit for my efforts. I'm also taking the opportunity to explain why Ace would even bother with this page. The fact is he wouldn’t. He’s a lazy bastard. But don’t tell him I said that. As far as he knows, I’m just another dumb web page and let’s leave it that way, ok? But I digress, the truth regarding the purpose of this page is summed up in the following paragraphs I beautifully etched here in cyber space for you to gloriously feast your brain waves on.
Ultimately, the reason Ace Warloch is required to document all his pursuits, adventures and journeys on this page goes back to a very serious accident. An accident he was pretty much responsible for and has unsuccessfully tried to dodge the blame from. Now about the unfortunate occurrence.
Ace, for reasons he refuses to disclose, was chasing an obscure metaphysical concept through the space-time continuum when the chased piece of rare arcana fell under the wheels of Celestial Law and was crushed to death under the enormous weight of her law-full bureaucracy. The untimely death of this anonymous concept resulted in a reality quake that read 10.0U812 on the cosmic Richter scale.
Of course the Universe investigated the situation immediately. And in the process of this investigation it was revealed that Ace Warloch has been (and still is) existing without proper authorization. In fact, no one knows the origin of Mr. Warloch, not even God; though much has been speculated.
And so, because Celestial Law is the LAW and does not need to follow the law, her celestial fatassness overruled her own rules and punished Ace in a manner that suited her temperament and curiosity and more or less disregarded actual justice.
So in the end Ace was sentenced to clean up the space-time continuum (Yes, humanity polluted that too; mostly with movies, comic books and open jams.) and document his activities here; which you obviously already know about.
To say this 'punishment' is completely laughable is an understatement of ridiculous proportions. Anyone who knows Ace knows that there is no way that he will successfully follow through with any of this. But then again, who am I to make a philosophical judgement; I am just a lowly blog page.
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
Where Was I Really?
I’ll try to catch up with this page next week as all my time was recently spent listening to a black-and-white blind man explain the purpose of color... Ok..., I was really at a Kamelot concert but don’t tell anyone cause I was supposed to have one-third of the space-time continuum vacuumed by this morning - but that's just not gonna happen. \m/
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Secret Mission
I'm on a secret mission of utmost confidentiality and I am therefore unable to brag about my latest exploit other than to say that I am currently dragging what will soon be a future investigation down a narrow alleyway.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
It's Really Ectoplasmic Snot
Fanatically powered by the mysterious life giving light of the Moon, I enthusiastically surf the thunder of the night riding the waves of time throughout various altered states of existence, of which there is only one, which actually contains many, that really are one, which of course has been chopped up and crammed into various segments of the chronosphere where existence as we know it is then colored with various abstract sound-effects and philosophized about by Casper wannabe’s.
It sounds confusing but it’s really ectoplasmic snot. Don’t ask me to explain. As a rare occult potentiality and seasoned night surfer I intuitively understand all aspects of the metaphysical at a subconscious level but I never choose to introspect any thoughts regarding these matters, even for myself.
Instead, I prefer to wildly surf down the low end of nature’s subwoofers gleefully anticipating the thrill of catching a fast ride on a friendly bolt of lightning. Now, to say this is a very dangerous thing to do is the epic understatement of epic understatements because even friendly bolts of lightning can kill as quickly and easily as they can transform or transport. And that is why riding the lightning is so very thrilling; because you can end up electrifried on a mystic mountaintop.
However, you should know that it is possible to lessen the danger by attuning the frequency of your thought patterns so your brain waves are properly aligned with the particular lightning bolt you desire to ride at the precise moment of contact. Basically, you become one with the lightning. That’s all there is to it.
May thunder and lightning be your friends.
It sounds confusing but it’s really ectoplasmic snot. Don’t ask me to explain. As a rare occult potentiality and seasoned night surfer I intuitively understand all aspects of the metaphysical at a subconscious level but I never choose to introspect any thoughts regarding these matters, even for myself.
Instead, I prefer to wildly surf down the low end of nature’s subwoofers gleefully anticipating the thrill of catching a fast ride on a friendly bolt of lightning. Now, to say this is a very dangerous thing to do is the epic understatement of epic understatements because even friendly bolts of lightning can kill as quickly and easily as they can transform or transport. And that is why riding the lightning is so very thrilling; because you can end up electrifried on a mystic mountaintop.
However, you should know that it is possible to lessen the danger by attuning the frequency of your thought patterns so your brain waves are properly aligned with the particular lightning bolt you desire to ride at the precise moment of contact. Basically, you become one with the lightning. That’s all there is to it.
May thunder and lightning be your friends.
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