Yet Another Excuse?

Ace cannot be here tonight because he accidentally trapped himself in his own stereotype. And so far, he hasn't been able to find the way back out.

Search for the Missing Chapter of Humanity

I've been digging trenches in the space-time continuum somewhere along the dividing line between the past and the future in my latest attempt to find the Missing Chapter of Humanity. I figure someone could have hidden it between the dimensions of time and space. But so far I have had no luck finding what could very well turn out to be the most essential find in regards to the history of mankind.

However, during my latest excavation I came across the ultimate secret. And that is that the universe is personified as a living, breathing monster of a question mark that doesn’t want to be found, interrogated or even casually woken up. Unfortunately for everyone, I did all this.

When I found it, it was just lying there hibernating between dimensions and talking to itself in its sleep. It kept saying, “The future needs to go on a diet," over and over again; so I walked up to the blabbering beast of a question mark and gave it a good hard kick in the curve. It woke with a start, straightened all the way into an exclamation point, saw your favorite rare occult potentiality, curved back and attacked. So I shot it with a cosmic tranquilizer gun. However, before it succumbed to the powerful sedative it muttered out the following cryptic babble speak.

“The future of the future is unknown because no one knows the future - because it hasn’t happened yet. That’s why it’s called the future. Do you understand? Well, it doesn’t matter if you don’t, and if you do, it matters even less because you really do know the future only you don’t know you know it. You’ve forgotten your pre-screened existences yet you’ve really forgotten ‘nothing.’ You pretend to be aware and understanding but your understanding lacks awareness. This you don’t comprehend as comprehension requires what you don’t have but stubbornly think you do have. You walk, run and mosh down the Road to Nowhere, oblivious that the Road to Nowhere actually goes somewhere. No, this is not a paradox. And yes, you will have to deal with it.”

Then the ultimate secret of the universe had a seizure of sorts and slumped into a coma. I suspect it was either allergic to the cosmic tranq dart I shot it with, or possibly - to rare occult potentialities. I’m not really sure and I didn't stick around to find out. Instead, I made a mad dash for Infinity where I wrote all this down.

Of Questionable Fate

I was practicing the divinatory art of cephalomancy, in which you boil the heads of donkeys’ in water and predict fate from the emerging bubbles, when inspiration struck me so hard my imagination nearly broke free from my well-placed psychic restraints.

Now, if my imaginative imagination would have gotten free, I have no doubt it would have strangled me in a fit of revenge. This may sound ridiculous, but when any aspect of yourself can suddenly become aware and morph into an anthropomorphic character at anytime, you have to be aware and take the proper psychic precautions. And the best way to do that is to think about not thinking.

However, I have to admit, that taking the advice of a rare occult potentiality who wonders why he is the only character in the story who doesn’t understand what is happening is probably questionable. Well, I’m off to pacify my inspiration by spray painting graffiti on the walls of eternity. See ya all next week.

Self-Manipulation

Ace Warloch, under the influence of himself, and only himself, somehow managed to manipulate his astral self into manipulating his higher self to let his lower self manipulate his middle self, and that is how he invented a new form of psychic experience called yin-yanguish.

Basically you pull yourself from side to side but also from inside to out and out to inside at the same time your brain does its best to separate from your mind and your mind does its best to separate from your brain. It is quite an extraordinary experience and even delicious in it's own insane way.

Now don't let the 'insane' tag discourage you from trying it. Insanity only has a bad reputation due to negative conformist psychological propaganda and lack of proper marketing. You should trust Ace Warloch. Insanity is it's own reward. He knows this because he practices going insane daily.

New Job or is it a Mission?

Recently, on 666, I was removed from my what they disturbingly referred to as a “job”. It was more like “wage captivity.” Nevertheless, I found something new that is much more suited to the innate qualities I have as a mythological rare occult potentiality with quantum genes and molecular self-organization capabilities.

I’m proud to say I am now an investigative mythologist and that I’ve been hired by an ancient mystical institution to find one of the Missing Chapters of Humanity.

Nevertheless, despite my over qualifications for this gig, I have yet to find this elusive Missing Chapter. So far all I've uncovered is the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, the Spear of Destiny, one of Yngwie Malmsteen's stolen guitars and a near-mint copy of Action Comics No.1. All of which I ruthlessly destroyed and discarded because they have no connection to the particular Missing Chapter of Humanity I've been looking for. It has to be somewhere. I continue my search. Peace.

An Excuse Already

Ace Warloch has nothing to post this week as he has been in an altered state of consciousness for several daze trying to hypnotize a cobra. I would also like to bring to your attention that much like the famed cold-blooded vertebrate Ace is trying to put in a trance, this website could spring all the way across cyberspace when you least expect it. Not to mention that the words used herein could reform themselves into quite another excuse than the one you are reading now.

About Ace Warloch excuses: They are living entities that feed off things that remain unaccomplished even going so far as to 'cause' things not to happen. They do this so they can feel justified in regards to their existence.

Karmic Debtbook

There I was, standing on the banks of the Rerun River scanning the Sky for an omen. An omen that would clue me in as to what I should be doing with my 're-found' possibly 'pseudonymous' life as Ace Herostratus Warloch.

And that is when a duck, swooping down to land on the river while apparently daydreaming, instead landed on the head of a large Doberman who had been silently standing in the shallows of said river probably wondering if he could catch one of those sleek swimming things that kept speeding by. It was hard to tell who was more surprised, the absentminded duck, the dog who got a sudden head dunk or yours truly.

You see, the 'Sky' evidently noticing my attention had been drawn to the splashing crashdown, thought that it would be perfect timing for something else to happen. So it dropped my Karmic Debtbook directly on my head. The book, being very thick (no comment), hit me with such force I bit my tongue and fell over backwards. Now, how the 'Sky' got ahold of this blasted book I’ll never know; however, I’m quite sure the 'Sky' meant to cause me a great deal of pain.

After getting up I shook my fist at the petty omenless 'Sky' and declared that I would most certainly be getting revenge. First things first however, I needed to find a way to violently vaporize this Karmic Debtbook that contains everything I supposedly need to be held accountable for. In excruciatingly detail. And let me tell you, Karmic Debtbooks are notoriously difficult to destroy. So I am now looking for a new place to hide it - at least until I can figure out how to destroy it without the Universe finding out.